Pinewood Design

This was pretty popular in Russian blogs lately, so we post it here.

So what you see is what to be said an entry level test leaked from Russian army. Here is the translation: “Six questions that help to identify any hidden psychological diseases young soldier might. If the soldier can’t see the number in one of the 6 circles on the test picture, the he likely might having:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Can’t see circle 1: High agression, proneness to conflict, the recommendation is to add more physical excercise and cold showers.

Can’t see circle 2: Possible low than average intellectual abilities, can’t serve with sophisticated equipment.

Can’t see circle 3: Possible debauchery, soldier should get increased daily ration, should get more physical activity tasks, should not be connected to food supplies, etc.

Can’t see circle 4: Possible inclination to violence, can be assigend as a leader to his unit, as he can preserve discipline.

Can’t see circle 5: Possible latent homosexuality. Can be light uncontrolled accesses of attraction to the same sex.

Can’t see circle 6: Possible schizophreanic tendency. Required additional inspection.

Every soldier should be tested before assignment, according to the order #2299.”

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: Army, gay, homosexuality, psychological diseases, RUSSIAN, Test

IT TAKES a lot to get teenagers’ minds off sex at the best of times – and in the bedroom it’s next to impossible. So it’s little wonder that one charity is turning to the most shocking of shock tactics to remind young people to use condoms.

AIDES, a French NGO, has created a series of posters depicting a couple making love – in which one of the pair is, unusually, a giant creepy-crawly.

And while having a pair of legs wrapped around you in a passionate embrace sounds entertaining, when it’s four pairs, it looks a lot less fun.

In one, a woman is seen getting seriously intimate with a massive spider. In another, a man is caught in flagrante with a scorpion the size of a grizzly bear, its poison sting inches from his back. The idea is to suggest that no matter how attractive your partner may be, they could have a STD bug of their own – one that could kill you as easily as any spider bite.

The slogan for the adverts reads: “Without a condom you’re making love with Aids. Protect yourself.”

But do you think shock tactics like these would encourage people to use a condom? Leave your comments below…

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: adverts, AIDES, condom, French, NGO, std

How often have you found yourself in a room with a drop dead gorgeous stranger – knowing full well that an opportunity like this might never come again – and never made a move?

So how about this for an idea? Instead of sighing and wistfully thinking about what could have been – do something in 2009 to get over your flirt-phobia!

1. Get your flirting mojo into overdrive. Learn to collect confidence points and flirt at any and every opportunity! Surround yourself with fabulously supportive wing-women who know you’re on a mission to flirt and will back you up at every turn.

2. Prepare your station ladies! Have all your ammo ready before you go into flirt mode and be ready for all and any occasions. That means accessories, grooming, styling, outfit, make-up, hair, hygiene and of course – to-die-for lingerie.

3. Step into the flirt zone. Once you’re out and about, flirting opportunities will start presenting themselves left right and centre. You need to be on high alert and ready to act immediately!

4. Don’t waste your time on standoffish, cold flirts, go for warm cuddly flirts.

5. Lose the attitude. Get rid of it! Men don’t like it – especially when you’re so haughty – it terrifies them! They have a hard enough time coming up and saying hello let alone putting up with your attitude. Why confuse him with your “hard to get” signals?

6. So you’ve met someone you like – well let them know! Bang them over the head with it! Keep eye contact with him and keep him involved. Men have very short attention spans so practice repeating the same moves over. Every once in a while lick your lips.

7. Yes we know the weather is crap. Yes we know the country is in recession, but ditch the glum-fest because while a radiant smile draws like a magnet, a sour down turned mouth will do the opposite.

8. Rewire your brain – this is the year when dreams become realities. Keep a vision of how your hot new life will look and conjure it up every time you’re having a bad moment.

9. Leave the house and always look like you’re ready to party. Or at least have a chat!

10. Smile. Smile. Smile!

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: Being Single, top ten

Price’s piece! Willie’s willie! I’ll stop now!

Poor guy gets caught taking a piss and the next thing you know, it’s all over the Internet! Obviously NSFW.

Click and c bigger pic:-)

http://especiales.revistanueva.com.mx/video02.html

source!

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: British, penis, piss, Prince William, Royal

Artist, drag queen, former nudist and born again Christian James Kuhn has turned his hand to face painiting. Banana anyone?

Kuhn describes his creations as self-portraits because he uses his own face as the canvas for his work.

In his blog Kuhn says: “I really have become totally obsessed with face painting and i think about what i can do next all the time.”

Kuhn does his own take on Mickey Mouse but on the theme of oranges.

Here Kuhn uses real popcorn to add more realism to his popcorn box creation.

Kuhn turns his face into a cheeseburger complete with gherkin. He started face painting his face after he was snowed in by 12ins of snow and had to miss work.

Corn on the gob … sweet

A rockin’ role … as Kiss

A-peeling … monkey mug

Use your melon … go green

Basket case … food for thought

Work-of-art … bodybuilder

Kebab … what are skew looking at?

Fruity … strawberry look

Happy … painted smile

Kuhn’s unique take on a halloween Dracula mask showing two screaming faces joined together.Two-faced … don’t look, he’s behind you!

Sweet tooth … pineapple

Snack attack … feeding the face

Operation … board game

What’s the point? … prickly

Phis-hog … pig

Baby face … embryo

Tut tut … Pharaoh-face

Air head … James’s face as the Goodyear blimp

Bird-brain … Tweety Pie

Kuhn turns his face into a cheeseburger complete with gherkin. He started face painting his face after he was snowed in by 12ins of snow and had to miss work.

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: artist, Christian James Kuhn, drag queen, Face paint, nudist, Painting

David Blaine Is Either The Baddest Man On The Planet Or The Biggest You-Know-What On The Planet

David Blaine Takes Two Punches From Kimbo Slice

David Blaine is a douche bag “magician” whose “tricks” have included being in a block of ice, standing on a pole, being underwater for almost 9 minutes, and last night where he supposedly hung upside down for 60 hours.

Well in the lead up to him coming down from being upside down then going back up and disappearing, ABC ran a few other “tricks”. One of those included being punched in the stomach twice by Kimbo Slice.

You might be thinking,”What’s the big deal? People get punched in the stomach all the time.” Blaine was actually reenacting the very same thing that Harry Houdini did that ended up killing him, when Houdini suffered a ruptured appendix from multiple blows (Note: May not have actually happened).

Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson, who fights for Elite XC – a rival promotion of the UFC – took part in the illusionist’s recent TV programme ‘David Blaine: Dive of Death’.

Blaine replicated a trick that took the life of Harry Houdini, who claimed he could take any shot to his stomach.

But Houdini suffered a ruptured appendix after the blow and later died from his injuries.

In the show, Blaine is seen stepping inside a practice cage where Slice trains.

The MMA favourite unleashed two devastating punches to Blaine’s abdomen but the magic man amazingly remained on his feet.

Afterwards, Blaine revealed he had chosen Slice to take part in the stunt because he is one of the few people he fears.

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: David Blaine, Kimbo Slice, Magician

World’s ten oldest jokes

The Dave Historical Humour study spent two months trawling the annals of history to produce the first report of its kind into the world’s oldest recorded jokes. Here is the results:

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, “I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye.” And she answered him: “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?” (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!” No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.” (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.” (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.” (Collected in the Philogelos or “Laughter-Lover” the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

see also: World’s oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: jokes, oldest, top ten, World

The world’s oldest jokes revealed by university research

By Stephen Adams, Arts Correspondent
Last Updated: 12:22AM BST 01 Aug 2008

Researchers found examples of double-entendres buried in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral Photo: SAM FURLONG / SWNS

Perhaps the old jokes aren’t the best ones after all – even if the world’s most ancient gag is about that reliable stand-by: farting.

They found the wry observation in the Codex Exoniensis, a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry held at Exeter Cathedral.

It reads: “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?’ Answer: A key.”

Scouring ancient texts, researchers from Wolverhampton University found the jokes laid down in delicate manuscripts and carved into stone tablets up to three thousand years old.

Dr Paul MacDonald, a comic novelist and lecturer in creative writing, said ancient civilizations laughed about much the same things as we do today.

He said jokes ancient and modern shared “a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion.”

“Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humour can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research,” he commented.

Lost civilisations laughed at farts, sex, and “stupid people” just as we do today, Dr McDonald said.

But they found evidence that Egyptians were laughing at much the same thing.

“Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him,” reads an Egyptian hieroglyphic from a period that pre-dates Christ.

The study, for a digital television channel, took Dr McDonald and a five-strong team of scholars more than three months to complete.

They trawled the internet, contacted dozens of museums, and spoke to numerous private book collectors in a bid to track down modern, interpreted versions of the world’s oldest texts.

The team then read the texts to find hidden jokes, double-entendres or funny riddles.

Dr McDonald said only those jokes that were amusing in an historical and modern context were included in the list.

Dr McDonald, a comic novelist and a senior lecturer in creative writing, added: “We began with the assumption that the oldest forms of jokes just would not have modern day appeal, but a lot of them do.

The world’s oldest surviving joke “is essentially a fart gag”, he said.

The 3,000-year-old Sumerian proverb, from ancient Babylonia, reads: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

The joke has echoes of actor John Barrymore’s quip: “Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.”

Dr McDonald commented: “Toilet humour goes back just about as far as we can go.”

Steve North, from Dave television, said: “What is interesting about these ancient jokes is that they feature the same old stand up comedy subjects: relationships, toilet humour and sex jokes.

“The delivery may be different, but the subject matter hasn’t changed a bit.”

From: Telegraph

See also: World’s top ten oldest jokes

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: oldest joke, University of Wolverhampton

Matt Harding likes to boogie around the world

‘Hi, I’m Matt and I dance badly all over the world,’ sounds like a confession at a therapy group. In fact, it’s an introduction to a man whose spent 14 months travelling the globe – doing what app­ears to be the funky chicken. Matt Harding, a self-confessed ‘deadbeat’ boogied with thousands of people in 42 countries from Iceland to Papua New Guinea.

Set to a feel-good soundtrack, he jigs with crabs, lemurs and on his own – but also with others and even astronauts in zero gravity.

The 31-year-old said: ‘It makes people want to travel but it also shows them just how big the world is. They’re more aware of how connected we all are on this planet.’

It all began when Mr Harding, originally from Connecticut, res­igned from his job as a video game designer in 2003 and went to Asia.

During the trip a fellow traveller first filmed him dancing.

‘They were standing around taking pictures in Hanoi and his friend said, “Hey, why don’t you stand over there and do that dance. I’ll record it,”’ says his website, wherethehellismatt.com.

So Mr Harding made some video postcards and put them online. The popularity grew and grew.

He caught the attention of a chewing gum company, which paid for him to dance his way around the world.

The traveller’s website adds: ‘It’s actually the only dance Matt does. He does it badly. This turned out to be a very good idea.’

Watch Matt throw some shapes below….

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: dance, Matt Harding, youtube

Golden Ray photos of amazing mass migration

Magical: Golden Rays migrating in the Gulf of Mexico

Looking like giant leaves floating in the sea thousands of Golden Rays are seen here gathering off the coast of Mexico.

The spectacular scene was captured as the magnificent creatures made one of their biannual mass migrations to more agreeable waters.

Gliding silently beneath the waves they turned vast areas of blue water to gold off the northern tip of the Yucatan Peninsula.

Sandra Critelli, an amateur photographer, came across the phenomenon whilst on a whale shark expedition with the Shark Research Expeditions of Philadelphia, on the northern tip of the Jucatan Peninsula in the Gulf of Mexico. But upon seeing these leaf-like animals, her attentions were quickly switched to the school of fish commonly known as Golden Rays.

Stunning: Onlookers watch as thousands of Golden rays make their migration in the Gulf of Mexico

She said: “It was an unreal image, very difficult to describe. The surface of the water was covered by warm and different shades of gold and looked like a bed of autumn leaves gently moved by the wind.

“It’s hard to say exactly how many there were but in the range of a few thousand.

“We were surrounded by them without seeing the edge of the school and we could see many under the water surface too.

“I feel very fortunate I was there in the right place at the right time to experienced nature at his best.”

Measuring up to 7ft (2.1 metres) from wing-tip to wing-tip, Golden rays are also more prosaically known as cow nose rays.

Arc: The rays, swimming in a long line, was spotted by amateur photographer Sandra Critelli

They have long, pointed pectoral fins that separate into two lobes in front of their high-domed heads and give them a cow-like appearance.

Despite having poisonous stingers they are known to be shy and non-threatening when in large schools.

The population in the Gulf of Mexico migrates, in schools of as many as 10,000, clockwise from western Florida to the Yucatan.

The great ocean migration… thousands of stingrays swim to new seas

Close up: The rays, properly known as Cow-nosed Stingrays, are known because of their bovine-like high-domed heads

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: animal, golden ray, migration, ocean, Sandra Critelli