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Aug 01

World’s top ten oldest jokes

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World’s ten oldest jokes



The Dave Historical Humour study spent two months trawling the annals of history to produce the first report of its kind into the world’s oldest recorded jokes. Here is the results:

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, “I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye.” And she answered him: “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?” (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!” No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.” (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.” (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.” (Collected in the Philogelos or “Laughter-Lover” the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

see also: World’s oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

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Apr 01

BBC documentary trailer on a breed of flying penguins who migrate to the rain forest.

Link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/page/item/epeng001.shtml (UK only)

Penguins April Fool – The Making Of : http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/page/item/epeng002.shtml

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New Google search tool ‘can see into future’

A NEW Google program powered by artificial intelligence allows internet users to search web pages 24 hours before they’re created, the company said today.

Google Australia said the new beta search technology which drives the gDay search feature can accurately predict future internet content – and even future events.

The gDay technology – developed in the company’s Sydney engineering centre – uses machine learning and artificial intelligence techniques from a system called MATE, or Machine Automated Temporal Extrapolation.

The feature then creates a sophisticated model of what the internet will look like 24 hours from a given point by using the company’s index of historic, cached web content and a combination of recurrence plots and “fuzzy measure” analysis.

By accessing web pages before they’re actually created, users can view information from the future – including news events, share price movements and sporting results.

“Google’s Australian engineers have a history of major technological innovations, from Google Maps to Mapplets to Traffic for Google Maps,” said Alan Noble, head of engineering for Google Australia & New Zealand.

“Giving humankind the ability to see 24 hours into the future is just a natural progression – of sorts,” he said.

To rank future web pages in order of relevance, gDay uses a statistical extrapolation of a page’s PageRank, called SageRank.

NEWS.com.au editor David Higgins said gDay would have a major impact on news gathering and news delivery.

“This is a fantastic new resource for reporters, who will now be able to find information about events before they happen,” Higgins said.

“Our sports coverage and analysis will be one area where we’ll see major gains by knowing which team won before anyone’s pulled on a boot.”

Mr Noble said gDay would also be a handy tool for gamblers.

“Users – particularly those who like a flutter – will really benefit from this feature,” he said.

“Maybe you want to see tomorrow’s rugby scores. Maybe you want to see tomorrow’s lotto numbers. Maybe this is the greatest freakin’ product ever.”

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virgle logo

Google and Virgin Media to go to Mars

For thousands of years,

the human race has spread out across the Earth, scaling mountains and plying the oceans, planting crops and building highways, raising skyscrapers and atmospheric CO2 levels, and observing, with tremendous and unflagging enthusiasm, the Biblical injunction to be fruitful and multiply across our world’s every last nook, cranny and subdivision.

An invitation.

Earth has issues, and it’s time humanity got started on a Plan B. So, starting in 2014, Virgin founder Richard Branson and Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin will be leading hundreds of users on one of the grandest adventures in human history: Project Virgle, the first permanent human colony on Mars.

The question is, do you want to join us?

Ever yearned to journey to the stars? You can learn how to become a Virgle Pioneer, test your Pioneering potential, or join the Mission Control community that will help develop the 100 Year Plan we’ve outlined here.

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Gmail Custom time

gmail custom time

How do I use it?

Just click “Set custom time” from the Compose view. Any email you send to the past appears in the proper chronological order in your recipient’s inbox. You can opt for it to show up read or unread by selecting the appropriate option.

Is there a limit to how far back I can send email?

Yes. You’ll only be able to send email back until April 1, 2004, the day we launched Gmail. If we were to let you send an email from Gmail before Gmail existed, well, that would be like hanging out with your parents before you were born — crazy talk.

How does it work?

Gmail utilizes an e-flux capacitor to resolve issues of causality (see Grandfather Paradox).

How come I only get ten?

Our researchers have concluded that allowing each person more than ten pre-dated emails per year would cause people to lose faith in the accuracy of time, thus rendering the feature useless.

Their findings:

N = Total emails sent
P = Probability that user believes the time stamp
φ = The Golden Ratio
L = Average life expectancy

“I used to be an honest person; but now I don’t have to be. It’s just so much easier this way. I’ve gained a lot of productivity by not having to think about doing the ‘right’ thing.”
Todd J., Investment Banker

“The entire concept of ‘late’ no longer exists for me. That’s pretty cool. Thanks Gmail!”
Miriam S., Delivery girl

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Increase Length & Girth With ViagraPlus

Viagra - Credit: Pfizer
ViagraPlus has been proven to increase penis length and girth

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has developed a new wonder drug that increases penis size. On the heels of the 10th anniversary celebration of their tremendously successful erectile dysfunction drug Viagra, Pfizer today announced the final FDA approval of a new medicament that promises to eclipse its predecessor in global sales. ViagraPlus will hit American shelves in late April, following a series of clinical studies that have clearly demonstrated its effectiveness in increasing penis girth and length. In a recent study conducted by Pfizer, 90% of American men described themselves as unsatisfied with their current penis size, in comparison with 70% of European men and 40% of Canadian men.ViagraPlus originated as a variation on the original Viagra drug, which is composed of the compound sildenafil citrate. When Viagra’s researchers manipulated sildenafil’s structure to produce a gold-colored “anniversary edition” of the drug, clinical trials revealed a happy side effect: Virtually all participants in the trial reported an increase of approximately 60% in their penis size. Further trials confirmed the initial findings, propelling the newly branded “ViagraPlus” through FDA testing and, this month, onto pharmacy shelves. No prescription is required for ViagraPlus, which will be available to American consumers as of April 27, 2008.Product development head Steve Ladanyi spoke of ViagraPlus’ particular relevance in 2008. “We are living in the porno generation, where men are exposed to larger organs through DVDs, internet videos, and profiles on their MySpace and Facebook pages. This has led to a climate wherein all men aspire to bigger organ size; ViagraPlus will be an immeasurable help in this quest.”“The more you eat, the bigger it gets.” More about ViagraPlus…from: http://uk.askmen.com/sports/health_150/182_mens_health.html?FLASH

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