Apr 01

IT’S no joke that we have all fallen for some pretty stupid jokes over the years.

From the turn of the century, wise-guys have been making up stories that have spread quicker than butter on a hot cross bun – and all in aid of April Fool’s Day.

To celebrate April Fool’s Day, we’ve collected our ten favourite hoaxes.

1) The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

In 1957 BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.

Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree.

The pranksters suggested putting a strip of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hoping for the best.

2) Instant colour TV

This might not sound that strange, as you flick your Sky remote to countless channels in full colour.

But back in Sweden 1962, there was only one channel – broadcast in black and white.

But things were set to change! The station’s technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display colour reception.

All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their TV screen. Viewers jumped to test the theory… and were left red-faced.

3) Planetary alignment decreases gravity

THE words mind over matter have never rang so true after this April Fool’s farce.

In 1976, astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur.

The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, lessening the Earth’s own gravity.

Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation.

By mid morning, BBC2 received hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt it.

One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

4) Virgin aliens land

WHO would have thought London would be the place aliens land first?

On March 31 1989, thousands of motorists driving on the highway outside London looked up in the air to see a flying saucer descending on to a field.

The police arrived at the scene and one brave officer approached the craft with his truncheon in hand.

When a door in the craft popped open and a small, silver-suited figure emerged, the policeman ran in the opposite direction – from Sir Richard Branson.

The saucer was actually a hot-air balloon that had been specially built by the tycoon to look like a UFO.

His plan was to land the craft in London’s Hyde Park on April 1st, but the wind blew him off course and he was forced to land a day early in the wrong location.

5) Flying penguins

A few years ago in 2008, the BBC made an amazing wildlife discovery – penguins could FLY!

They announced that camera crews filming near the Antarctic for its natural history series Miracles of Evolution had captured footage of Adélie penguins.

It even offered a video clip of these flying penguins, which became one of the most viewed videos on the internet.

Presenter Terry Jones explained that, instead of huddling together to endure the Antarctic winter, these penguins took to the air and flew thousands of miles to the rainforests of South America where they “spend the winter basking in the tropical sun.”

6) Bra-vellous hoax

IN 1982, a newspaper reported that a local manufacturer had sold 10,000 “rogue bras” that were causing sparks to fly.

The ‘sparks’ were not hypothetical thanks to the raunchy appearance of the underwear, no – they were real electric sparks.

They suggested the support wire in these bras had been made out of a kind of copper originally designed for use in fire alarms.

When this copper came into contact with nylon and body heat, it produced static electricity which interfered with local television and radio broadcasts.

The chief engineer of British Telecom, upon reading the article, immediately ordered that all his female laboratory employees disclose what type of bra they were wearing.

7) The dogs are all white

In 1965, a Copenhagen newspaper reported that the Danish parliament had passed a new law requiring all dogs to be painted white.

The purpose of this, it explained, was to increase road safety by allowing dogs to be seen more easily at night.

8) Apocalypse now?

The world ending? In 1940, it almost did…

The Franklin Institute issued a press release stating that the world would end the next day.

The release was picked up by a radio station which broadcast the following message:

“Your worst fears that the world will end are confirmed by astronomers of Franklin Institute, Philadelphia. Scientists predict that the world will end at 3pm tomorrow.

“This is no April Fool joke. Confirmation can be obtained from Wagner Schlesinger, director of the Fels Planetarium of this city.”

Local authorities were flooded with frantic phone calls. The panic only subsided after the Franklin Institute assured people that it had made no such prediction.

The prankster responsible for the press release turned out to be William Castellini – the Institute’s press agent.

He had intended to use the fake release to publicise a lecture at the institute on April 1 entitled “How Will the World End?”

9) Life discovered on Jupiter

IN the good old days of 1996, AOL subscribers got more than they bargained for from April 1 online news updates.

Those who logged onto the service were greeted by a news flash announcing that a “Government source reveals signs of life on Jupiter.”

The claim was backed up by planetary biologist Ted Leonsis, AOL’s president.

The story quickly generated over 1,300 messages on AOL. A spokesman for the company later explained that the hoax had been intended as a tribute to Orson Welles’s 1938 Halloween broadcast of the War of the Worlds.

10) Smellovision

BECAUSE it was in 1965, when TV was a new-fangled device, we can forgive people for believing in Smellovision.

A professor told the BBC how this miraculous technology allowed viewers to smell the aromas produced in the television studio in their own home.

The professor offered a demonstration by cutting some onions and brewing coffee.

A number of viewers called in to say they could smell it through the TV sets.

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: , ,

Feb 12

Top Ten Survival Tips For Being Single

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by SUE OSTLER – Wednesday, February 11, 2009

How often have you found yourself in a room with a drop dead gorgeous stranger – knowing full well that an opportunity like this might never come again – and never made a move?

So how about this for an idea? Instead of sighing and wistfully thinking about what could have been – do something in 2009 to get over your flirt-phobia!

1. Get your flirting mojo into overdrive. Learn to collect confidence points and flirt at any and every opportunity! Surround yourself with fabulously supportive wing-women who know you’re on a mission to flirt and will back you up at every turn.

2. Prepare your station ladies! Have all your ammo ready before you go into flirt mode and be ready for all and any occasions. That means accessories, grooming, styling, outfit, make-up, hair, hygiene and of course – to-die-for lingerie.

3. Step into the flirt zone. Once you’re out and about, flirting opportunities will start presenting themselves left right and centre. You need to be on high alert and ready to act immediately!

4. Don’t waste your time on standoffish, cold flirts, go for warm cuddly flirts.

5. Lose the attitude. Get rid of it! Men don’t like it – especially when you’re so haughty – it terrifies them! They have a hard enough time coming up and saying hello let alone putting up with your attitude. Why confuse him with your “hard to get” signals?

6. So you’ve met someone you like – well let them know! Bang them over the head with it! Keep eye contact with him and keep him involved. Men have very short attention spans so practice repeating the same moves over. Every once in a while lick your lips.

7. Yes we know the weather is crap. Yes we know the country is in recession, but ditch the glum-fest because while a radiant smile draws like a magnet, a sour down turned mouth will do the opposite.

8. Rewire your brain – this is the year when dreams become realities. Keep a vision of how your hot new life will look and conjure it up every time you’re having a bad moment.

9. Leave the house and always look like you’re ready to party. Or at least have a chat!

10. Smile. Smile. Smile!

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: ,

Aug 01

World’s top ten oldest jokes

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World’s ten oldest jokes

The Dave Historical Humour study spent two months trawling the annals of history to produce the first report of its kind into the world’s oldest recorded jokes. Here is the results:

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, “I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye.” And she answered him: “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?” (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!” No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.” (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.” (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.” (Collected in the Philogelos or “Laughter-Lover” the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

see also: World’s oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC

written by Pinewood Design \\ tags: , , ,

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